I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
