Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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