you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
