Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
