Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
