Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I need a beard to bite.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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