I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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