He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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