That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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