Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
