my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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