Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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