You don't have asthma, your pregnant
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
