I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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