dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
