last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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