im drinking this country out of the recession.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
