Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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