let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
