Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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