I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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