So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
