Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
