I am in a vortex of obligation.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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