I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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