can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
