....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
