dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
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with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
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Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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