Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
