I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
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