I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
