why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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