You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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