is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
