I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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