I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.