Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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