she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
