The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
