I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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