apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
