I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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