just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
