What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
