Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
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