I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
