So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
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I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
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Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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