I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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