I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
