is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
