I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
