i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I feel like a drive thru vagina
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
