Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
