He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
