Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
