the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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