I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
