Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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