Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
